"What we have is based upon moment-to-moment choices of what we do. In each of those moments, we choose. We either take a risk and move toward what we want, or we play it safe and choose comfort. Most of the people, most of the time, choose comfort. In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."
So I know we’re not supposed to be afraid (2 Timothy 1:7) or anxious (Philippians 4:6) but let me be real and say ya, I'm slightly afraid and kind of anxious about going to Haiti.
There are the more obvious and usual safety/health issues that most of my family and friends have brought up and are concerned about. Come on, who likes the idea of living in tents with giant tarantulas and centipedes crawling around? Both get close to 20cm in length, by the way. And there’s the fact that sometimes I don’t exactly have the strongest constitution when it comes to staying healthy in foreign countries (oh Ecuador, how I loved you and your amoebas and parasites ADORED me). But the biggest fear I am actually struggling with is the fact that I may have to leave for Haiti with my work authorization status not processed. What does this mean exactly? As a Canadian on a temporary work visa (eligible for yearly renewal, mine expires it just so happens in June), if I leave the country before it gets renewed I revoke my rights and have to go back to Canada and through a NEW application process all over again. In the simplest of terms, if I go to Haiti before my application gets processed I won’t be able to get back in to the US, to life as I know it, unless I can get a new visa.
I’m a planner by nature and the temporary status of my life in California since school finished in 2008 has been something I’ve struggled with for the past two years. I have zero job security – my contracts are on a semester-by-semester basis. My work authorization is temporary and I need to apply for renewal on a yearly basis. Having to acknowledge how little control I have over my life frustrates and unnerves me. Because, like most people, I want to be in control of my life.
I know God has been working in me to bring me to a place of complete surrender in relation to this specific issue I have with control. And it is becoming ever clearer that going to Haiti is a key part of this process. I’m not sure it’s ever been so apparent to me that I’m supposed to do something in my life... the way God is providing for all aspects of this trip has been incredible to experience. It has also become apparent that by going to Haiti I may be forfeiting everything I love about my life right now. I LOVE my life in San Diego. Even though there isn’t the job security I would like, there is nothing else I would change about my world here. I live in a city where the sun shines 90% of the year. I have a fantastic job with an amazing schedule that lets me spend weekdays outdoors. I love my students – their life stories are inspiring (most of them are recent immigrants), they are hardworking and motivated to learn, and they motivate me to be a better teacher. I have a great apartment with two wonderful roommates. The sweetest dog. Kind and caring friends. I'm in the best shape I've ever been. My walk with Christ is the strongest its ever been. I'm a part of the best church community I’ve ever experienced. I could go on and on in all the ways I’ve been blessed here. I want to keep this life so badly. To be brutally honest, I do not want to go to Haiti if it means giving up my life in California. And admitting this makes me pause. It scares me. I want it too much, I’ve gotten too comfortable. And that is why I know it is so important to GO. Loving God means obeying Him. It means being prepared to sacrifice what is important to you, what you want for yourself, and to trust that He wants and will give you things even greater than you can imagine when you walk in His will. Walking by faith, not by sight. If my work authorization doesn't get processed, I will have to take a step of faith and trust that if He wants me here, He’ll bring me back.
I am confident that God has blessings and new opportunities in store for ALL of us – the key is we must take steps of faith. Doing things we might not “feel” like doing. Things that might not even make sense to us (or our families and friends). Things that might make us wonder at first if they will even work (when I signed up for Haiti I had no clue how I would get the money, I felt like it was the craziest thing I’d ever done, my family was less than thrilled initially). But to receive these blessings/opportunities we have to trust God more than what we might personally feel, think, or want.God wants us to be like Peter and the disciples in Luke 5:5; after fishing all night they were exhausted and had caught nothing. Jesus asks them to lower their nets again. At Jesus request Peter says “Master, we have worked all night long but have caught nothing. Yet if you say so, I will let down the nets”. What happened? They caught so many fish that THEIR NETS BEGAN TO BREAK! God wants our attitudes to be like Peter’s. Maybe we don’t feel like/want to do something. It might not even seem like a good idea to us or others. We might be fearful that none of it will work. But, we must make the choice to obey God rather than obey the fears or feelings we have. I guess I’m going back a bit in theme to the blog I wrote on fish growing to the size of their environment... the devil can use fear in many ways to keep us in small ponds and prevent us from receiving the blessings God wants to give us.Joyce Meyer writes that "the feeling of fear or fearful thoughts is simply our enemy Satan trying to distract us from God and His will for our lives. We may feel fear at various times in our lives but we can choose to trust God and if we need to, 'do it afraid'."Even if we feel fear, we need to focus on God and launch out for bigger water, confident of receiving the blessings He has in store for us.
I would love to come “home” to San Diego and the life God has blessed me with here. But, I can’t let my fear of losing it stop me from the plans God has for me. I fully believe in God’s promise of having “plans to prosper [me] and not to harm [me], plans to give [me] hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)”. And so God is bringing me to a place of complete surrender. I realize that the only way to be free and receive His blessings is to let go of my illusion of control. And I’m ready to be free. I ache to be free – the kind of freedom that’s only found by completely surrendering your will to Christ. By going to Haiti I choose to take a risk – to move towards freedom, to walk away from playing it safe by choosing comfort. I want experiences that make me more like Christ. So this is me, hands high in the air, waving a white flag. I’m done trying to control. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know and trust the ONE who holds the future. And I want HIS will, not mine, to be done... because, after all, His plans are always better than ours.
Well said.
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