Haiti: Journal Entry #15

Three of our teams converged yesterday and took a bus to a place called Jacmel, on the ocean, for a weekend off. Funny how we've become family and stayed pretty much to our own teams for the most part...The air and ocean here are clear, warm, and turquoise blue. I'm having a hard time staying focused on the present. I keep getting pulled into the unknown of the future. So many of us are headed into the unknown. For me, its not knowing if I'll have work. Needing a new roommate (I got an email from one of mine saying she's moving out in August). I don't know what the Fall will look like at all. Am I going to be called to go somewhere else or stay in San Diego? This place feels more real then life back in California... I don't want to leave. I'm by no means saying its perfect here. It is a wasteland and that is hard to walk through but the community of love here... the relationships that are being built with the kids and each other are so precious. Talking with the other teams I realise how privileged we've been to be at RENMEN. I almost fee l like we haven't been "working" because most of the physical stuff we've started keeps running into road blocks. But, I really feel like our ministry has been relational - for RENMEN but also between each other. Last night after everyone went to bed our team decided to take Florence's (Mama's) brother up on his offer to take us out. Just the ten of us.... at the end of the night Tiffany and Sammy Jo ended up in the ocean in the dark... somehow I feel more free and liberated here. But I'm SO quiet. I feel like there is still part of me holding back from letting people really know me. I haven't got a clue why... part of it maybe is I'm afraid of attachment and leaving people, of being left. I have this overwhelming fear that's been built up from my past. But I am careful to remember the people who have stayed for the long run, too... but not physically. All the people I've gotten closest too have physically left. I'm tired of being alone. I'm worn out from "independence". The truth of that is hitting me. I'm really exhausted of building relationships and having people leave/move. I know that's life. I know God can use people to love me where I am at different times and for different lengths of times, but my fear of people leaving and of being hurt has become almost crippling, , not letting me let anyone get real, get close. I guess I believe everyone leaves but Christ. This might be true, but I also know it doesn't mean I should build walls to keep people out and be alone... I know we are called to community. But reality is my walls are still up. I'm struggling....