I told the group today that I feel like I have spiritual earmuffs on. I cant' seem to write at all. I feel completely incompetent in prayer. I am almost feeling like I"m becoming mute. I'm just to being the encourager, to having words, and right now I have none. Scripture isn't calling to my heart. I'm used to being a support person, and right now I feel like I'm not doing that.... I just have this overwhelming sense of being completely incompetent.
And I realize its possible that God may be intentionally bringing me to this place. I got so caught up in serving before I left. As if I could become good enough, worthy of love if I gave more and more of myself. And it was totally spending me. It genuinely gives me joy, but I can see it was becoming an idol. I was looking for my worth in it.
When am I going to get it?
I know that worth and fullness comes from Christ alone. Not people, not relationships, not serving others. And so maybe I feel empty because I'm not doing the things I have begun to subconsciously equate with love, with the things I have equated as my source of feeling good, with feeling loved. But I know God loves all the time. There is nothing we can do that makes Him love us more or less. I kept saying I needed to take rest in Him before I left for Haiti, but I didn't make the time for it. Never in a billion years would I have guessed that God would put me in Haiti to find His rest. I thought I was coming to serve, but I am the one who is being served here. There hasn't been much to do these past two days. Our food is prepared for us, our clothes are washed, we've barely done anything but just be with them. It's not what I expected.... I'm realizing I have no idea how to be with people without serving them, helping them, trying to do something for them...
Yesterday we ran the church service here. Some of us led songs. Tiffany read Mark 4:35 and I
was asked to explain the message. I did not want to do this at all. But I know that's probably why God called me to do it... I have never felt like the right person/competent to interpret or explain His word... I'm not sure where that comes from...
I had also envisioned playing with little kids when I first signed up for this. But they don't seem to be that drawn to me. Instead, I've been getting the older girls consistently and constantly. I feel so awkward with them. I haven't ever been very fond of teenage girls, I think it all goes back to memories of High School... would rather play with the little ones who don't really speak French than have to talk to the older girls who do. But, the team keeps pointing out that I'm the only one who can. Me, who doesn't feel like the right person to explain anything to anyone. I don't feel like I have a voice at all. But, I'm the only one ironically who can voice anything they'll understand. Maybe this is God's way of calling out these feelings that are lies I've somehow been led to believe... I have a feeling God is going to use these teenage girls to minister to my heart.... so wild.... I'm realizing I have a lot more pride than I thought, and I am being humbled day by day, hour by hour, here....
Why do I still feel not good enough? Not capable? God has made me, created me, capable to undertake whatever tasks He's set in my path. I know that is truth. So why do I doubt it? Why do I still question him all the time, are you really sure about this God? you want ME to do this?
I just don't feel like I can hear what He wants from me. Maybe I still think he can't really use me. But God can work through anyone. I have to hold on to that truth, regardless of what I feel.
I'm sitting here looking at the cracks in the walls. For all the physical brokenness, this place is so filled with love. Love lives here. Let me see and hear God in them. God isn't silent - the bible tells us that the word of God is living in active (Hebrews 4:12). I search out truths like this regularly here when I start having thoughts that I know are not truth. Maybe He just wants to teach me to listen in a different way.
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